It's 4 in the morning // you know where I'll be..

Everybody's waiting for that something to hold onto while we're tripping over our words into self-dug graves..
11:22 pm at Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003

How do other people have the ability to make me rethink the entire last year, the best year of my life, and transform my mind into thinking I was just letting me compromise myself for someone else? As the new year approaches I'm thinking more and more about the events that happened and my feelings are only mixed because my influences are jaded. My mom is pushing, pushing, pushing that I'm compromising the way I am to be with a guy and so she's trying to cut off my interaction. In doing so, she's wrecking the only meaningful relationship I've ever had. I'm supposed to be happy that it's almost year together. Instead, I'm feeling that maybe I need a break. I can't do that, ever. I don't want it, but every day of being force-fed the same lines is wearing me thin. The constant nagging about everything is driving me crazy and further into a hole. I'm sure that if he was merely a friend, instead of a boyfriend that my mom wouldn't care. How can just one addition to a word, just 3 simple letters make everything so different?

I need her to get off my back. I'm 15, fucking 15. It's bad enough that I have to make a million decisions everyday that could change my entire life before you throw in a possibility for even more. I want things to be like they were in March or June or sometime back when things were just fine. I was happy then. What am I now but a fucking wreck? Every day, no matter what the occasion, there's one small thing that makes me break down. I used to be strong but I just can't deal with all this pressure right now. I'm still a kid. I just want to have fun without regrets every now and then. Leave me and me alone to deal with the consequences of my actions, if there are any.

I also dislike it when I'm the Kami in the over-used phrase "kamiandjj". We are two people, our own two people. We do totally different things, lead totally different lifestyles. We come from two different areas, two different backgrounds. So please, just because we share a common bond--don't make me a compound person.

I don't want anything more than to be happy and be with someone who makes me happy. I have everything I want, yet there's always an outside force trying so hard to take it away. I'm trying so hard to please everyone that it's making me a weak, nervous, anxious wreck. I can never have fun anymore because someone is always unhappy after, which never fails. It seems as though I get reprimanded every time and I can never have fun anymore, as it's always clouded over with punishment. I want so much to progress in my life, but for the past 3 months I've been regressing faster and faster. I suppose it's no one's fault but my own. I want no sympathy, I just want things to being to change. I want to be able to have fun. I want to stop second-guessing my choices. I want to get out of this slump and be myself again. I don't want to keep breaking down over small things because I know that I can be stronger than that.

I AM
I am the water.
I am the waves crashing onto you.
I am the blank wave.
I am the madness, the loss, the dark, the hunt, the race, the cage.
I am rejection.
I am redemption.
I am desire for obligation.
I am forever but I can be never if that's what you want.
I am the desert.
I am oasis, the strength, the weakness for argument's sake.
I am rejection.
I am redemption.
I am desire for obligation.
I am one step closer for you.
Please tell me when you're through because I may not be through with you.
Your loss to sustain but I will remain true to form.
If this were the last breath I ever took, would you take the time to look..and would you know?
I am the water.
I am the waves crashing onto you.
You could protect me but you will kill me when you're through....

FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER

<< >>