It's 4 in the morning // you know where I'll be..

Logic and reason vs petty regrets...the background to the illusive mind of Kami
11:10 pm at Sunday, Dec. 28, 2003

New Years is a time for reflection, a time to commiserate the loss of good times and bid adieu to the bad. What is it is not, is a time to regret. As it nears closer and closer that's all I find myself doing.

Maybe it's a rough patch between us, but there's something telling me that this is permanent. That from here on out, things will always be this way. I'm thinking that maybe that's not what I want out of life. Those thoughts are countered quite harshly by the consequences: drastic change in routine, unhappiness & so on. I don't know what I want to do because I want this to work. More often than not it feels so right. The more I analyze everything, the worse it gets. Excess thoughts exaggerate outcomes--is this what I'm doing?

Am I being naive to chase the sense of perfection that can never be accomplished? Probably, but maybe it's not perfection I'm chasing. I know people would kill to have what we have, that as of now, this is the best there is. I think I'm beginning to focus on the long-term outcome, when really all I've ever looked at is the here & now. If all I want is to be happy, and I am, why do these thoughts keep occurring. As of now, I'm adopting the state of mind that nothing's changed. Whether or not this is true depends on the actions of one person & one person alone.

Maybe we truly are going our two separate ways. Maybe they don't involve each other. Maybe this is just a tough time and things will resolve themselves (which is what I hope will happen). I suppose that the next couple of days, weeks, or months are the test. Now you know where my AIM screenname comes from, eh?

"So this is my comfort & this is my release. These are my words to you. One day we will burn these writings to find comfort & erase the past & rewrite these words. It will be the chorus to our lives."--AS HOPE DIES

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