It's 4 in the morning // you know where I'll be..

The things I never thought I would say to you..
8:59 pm at Friday, Feb. 20, 2004

At this very moment, I am completely distraught. I have no sense of any type of reality that is my own, but I suppose that is a good thing. I’m sure that if I did, I’d be outright hysterical. I presume that I’m learning exactly how tremendously hard the world can bring a person down.

And tonight, this mild February night, is going to be a night spent lying wide-awake in my bed. I can see it now. The cause is not my grounding, for that has become a ritual; but simply the fact that I am faced with one of the most emotionally charged decisions I have made thus far in my life. A decision that’s going to take every ounce, every cell in my body to choose and every drop of willpower to fight everything I’ve ever felt. Maybe it will be one I’ll regret until my very grave. Regardless, I need to come to a concrete consensus.

Understanding the fact that something has to be done is the easy part. Accepting it is another. I fear that I will never be able to accept what I am going to choose. This creates a gaping hole in my life at the present time. Imagining it now, I feel completely vacant and insipid. I wonder why I would ever bring this upon myself. I know that I am mentally strong, and I know that I can overcome this, but the process will be a steep uphill climb. I don’t need any more tumultuous manners in my life right now. This one is quite different. It has involved itself.

This is the turning point in my teenage life, I am fully aware. This is where I realize exactly what it is that achieves a perfect balance. I thought I had found it last year, but it was only a passing phase. This is what shatters every last ounce of trust and passion I ever possessed. This is where routine processes that were normally taken for granted are going to be sorely missed. This is where I become myself again, be it depressed or happy. This is where I lose an irreplaceable part of my adolescent life. Perhaps it will make me a better person, or perhaps it will make me bitter. The only thing that I completely grasp is that I will be entirely alone in my thoughts, actions and accomplishments. This is where I learn what it entails to love and be loved in return.

Nevertheless, I will never regret any of my past actions. I loved you, and I will never forget that. I still do love you. It could never be replaced and I would never attempt to. I am always here for you, no matter what. After all, we were friends first and foremost. I’m sorry it had to be like this. I honestly hope that you understand that I never wanted this, but feel it necessary. I also hope you understand that in the past days I have experienced every unpleasant emotion possible trying to figure this out. Yet still, I feel unresolved, incomplete. Every word that I have typed has been painstaking deeply pondered in hopes to uncover the raw feelings. However, you will never know how much I treasure what we had or how sincerely I am going to detest the absence of it. Our songs will still remain our songs forever along with our jokes and the like.

From this precise moment henceforth, I embark on a new life. A life that will at first and for a extensive time period be consumed by what is now my recent past. A life where unhappiness and longing become rampant. A life where I, a sole being in the infinite universe, become wholly, utterly, in every respect—alone.

"Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet, but even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be. And if I should fall, to the bottom of the end; I'll be one step back to you. I'm trying to find my way the best that I know how.."--LIFEHOUSE

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