It's 4 in the morning // you know where I'll be..

I guess that's what they all say just before they fall apart..
9:58 pm at Monday, Feb. 23, 2004

Day to day progression is becoming increasingly harder as the days pass. Every morning that I wake up, I wake up heavy with dread. When I walk downstairs the dread becomes even heavier still, until the minute I walk out the door. The bus, my safe haven. I never thought I’d be happiest sitting on a school bus early in the morning listening to music. I never thought I’d be glad to be in school—until now. The 7 hours that I’m in school, I’m free to think whatever I want, say whatever I want and have more than an hour to say it in. The second the last bell rings, the weight of dread overcomes me again. When I walk in my front door after school, dullness rushes out to greet me. Not even my dog greets me anymore.

My entire family is shunning me for something that’s done, over with. Something that I had limited control over. The only consistency with which I live is the constant hypercritical statements being made. The constant “relate everything to my mistake” kindergarten behaviors being thrown in my face every time I turn around. I can’t even laugh anymore, because then I “think it’s a joke.” You’ve proven nothing is a joke, that’s great. The worst part of this is that it’s never-ending. I’m doing what you told me to, and yet I still get this day in, day out. My grades? My grades are better than they’ve been all year and are continuing to increase. My attitude? I’m trying, but it’s evident that nothing’s good enough. I can’t help but get aggravated when you, without fail, belittle me. Against my better judgment, I’m sitting here taking more than I ever will from you, in hopes that maybe you’ll see I’m trying.

How am I appearing to be so happy in school? I’m lying to myself, every day. Every day, I tell myself that things will have changed when I come home and every day I hope they do. They haven’t. I’m not happy. I’m defeated beyond my grasp, disgruntled, upset, aggravated and so many other things that I can’t even comprehend. I never asked for this.

I’m questioning more and more everyday whether this is even worth it. I’m becoming more and more desperate. Each day, leaving and not coming back becomes progressively more appealing. I question exactly how much more I can take, but I’m aware it’s not very much. What do you want from me? What do I have to do to end this? I wish you’d just make that clear so I could at the very least, know what I’m doing wrong in achieving that.

You said that you “don’t want anyone hurting your ‘beautiful, talented’ daughter.” Well can’t you see you are? You’re making me doubt myself and my existence more than anyone else will ever have the capability to. This is my plea for help.

"We're dealing in the limits and we don't know who with. You may think that I'm out of hand, that I'm naive, I'll understand. On this occasion, it's not true. Look at me, I'm not you."--THE GET UP KIDS

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